Nod to Elaine Corden and Trifective

I had to publish the post below that I stole from the Trifective blog. Elaine wrote this with the belief that only the east van manchild is depicted in each category, but I know a lot of my friends in Toronto (including myself when I lived in Toronto) have dated guys that fall squarly in each description.

I laughed when I read it and came to the realization that funny is only funny when it's at someone elses expense.

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Dating in our time

Further to my post below, complaining about how I can't get a date, allow me to draw you a little portrait of the dating landscape in East Van. No, you don't have to deal with impossibly square dudes, or dudes who want to go to the Roxy, or dudes who don't read, or dudes with shitty record collections but its still ugly.

Most of my girlfriends are married or in serious relationships, but there also lots that are inexplicably single- brilliant, hot, talented funny women who somehow just end up dating wieners. After extensive research, interviews and my own field studies I've come up with a primer on specific types that haunt mount pleasant. Should you go on some sort of EV make-out safari, be sure to bring this along with you.




The Carrbon Copy
Six foot plus and beardier than ZZ-top, this Emily Carr student is likely to be found at a electro-dance party or at a backroom art show where most of the work is, like, panda heads drawn on people. Usually surrounded by a pack of adoring young girls, this kid is the star of his college, and has likely had a couple shows of his own, usually involving neon abstracts, "sound collage" or some fusion of the two ("every note frequency corresponds to a colour" he'll inform you). Yes, the Carrbon copy and his hot, lithe body are minor constellations, glittering with youthful idealism and broad shoulders. You'll feel a little intimidated by all the American Apparel-glad starlets around him, but guess what? The Carrbon Copy is into *you*. He's asked you're friends if your single. He likes older women, you see. He'll light your cigarettes and ignore everyone else around for the whole night. You'll talk art and culture and even though he sounds a bit ridiculous talking "post" and "parallax" that, you'll still kind of want to french him, because he's young and hot. Proceed with caution: the Carrbon Copy is fun for a night but next week there will be some other woman who catches his fancy, and you'll feel stupid for having a crush on a 23 year-old.

The Emosogynist
You almost feel sorry for this guy. He grew up in some fuck-nowhere town and moved here after college. He still rates U2 and only came around on the gay marriage issue because of Keith and David on "Six Feet Under". He's in the big city now, though, and free-to-be-me styles, he's gone all indie rock- which means a nice haircut and wearing girls jeans and playing in a band that sounds like, hmmm, let's say... Modest Mouse? You probably met him at a Wolf Parade or Arcade Fire show, and after a few cleverly worded exchanges on MySpace, you made a date. The emosogynist will surprise you by paying for drinks, and later surprise you even more when it turns out he's actually not crap in bed. Here's the problem: the Emosogynist, even though he owns L7's first record, still can't quite see you as an equal. It tears him up inside that he wants to fuck someone that's smarter than him, makes him feel like Keith (or David). You'll go see his MOR band, he'll kind of ignore you in that stupid "I invited you but I'm too busy to say hi because that would mean you're my girlfriend" way that dudes in bands do. Every move you make will be interpreted by the Emosogynist as some play to make him your husband so you can start popping out babies, because, where he grew up, that's what girls do. Don't waste your time with the Emosogynist. He basically wants to marry his mother.


The Keirketaard
You can find this dude pretty much at any coffeeshop or dive bar on the East Side. He'll be the one in the corner, reading Camus or some shit that blows your mind its so clever. You;ll pick up that he's a all world-weary and sad, and he'll pick up that from you, and being a girl, you'll want to take care of this broken bird and nurse him back to health. And they'll be flashes of hope: he'll be funny ina bitter, sarcastic way, sexy as hell and kind of a broken genius. Just lying on the floor listening to Mingus with this dude will feel like the heaviest shit ever. When you finally hook-up (which will take forever, cause dude has no game except being intense), it will be like sleeping with a Dostoevsky novel. This guy is awesome- it's you and him against the world, happy only when you're together. Problem: you're really only allowed to be happy together. He's like the reverse of Vidal Sasoon: if you don't feel bad, he doesn't feel good. Avoid for obvious reasons: don't try to "stick it out" till he gets happy. It ain't gonna happen (except years later, when you see him all happy with some impossibly cute girl, and you kind of die inside).

The Chakra Con
A difficult beast to identify, the Chakra Con seems like the most enlightened character you'll ever meet. He's read Jung and the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and believes in magic and meditation without seeming like a waxy fruitcake. He can make jokes and hang bro-styles with the best of 'em, but he also has a sincere streak that says" hey dudes, I don't care if irony is cool, I'm comfortable enough to be myself". Initially intoxicating, the Chakra Con will probably cry in front of you in the first month, or force feed you his poetry, but instead of losing your ladyboner, you'll think "wow, he really *is* secure with himself!" And then.... it will start with little digs about your "discomfort with your body" and progress further into him using the language of spirituality to undermine you-- your consumption of mainstream media, your penchant for diet coke- they're totally bad for your spirit. He's kind of like the new-age equivalent of an evangelical Christian. It will end when he brow beats you into confessing something really vulnerable about yourself, and he decides thats "unhealthy" and dumps you. You will simultaneously feel better and worse about it when you realize you fell for someone who poetry raped you.

The Dog What Done Shat on the Rug
So named because he's so adorable you can't stay mad at him, this mainstay is pretty much perma-stoned and perma-broke. At first, it will seem cute, and you will find the two bohemians living in poverty thing charming, but be assured it wears off quickly. Hallmarks of TDWDSOTR include standing you up cause he totally forgot and was just, like, jamming with his bros, drinking your beer, "borrowing" your money and all general crimes committed by potheads. This can end one of two ways- his band will actually go somewhere, and he'll dump you for someone hotter, or you'll look at your negative bank account one day and call it a day (who am I kidding- it's always the former).

The Funnest Guy Ever
He's usually an artist or photographer, and you'll be drawn to him because he's so damn charming and FUN. And hot. He's the dude who will flirt with your friends just enough to make you feel self-satisfied, who'll buy rounds, who wants to go play badminton at the beach at three a.m. He's funny and adventurous and always surprising you. Unfortunately, he's also bi-polar. Or an alcoholic. Or a cokehead. Or he hits women. Or all four! Either way,someone ends up in the hospital.

The Guy You Can't Get it Up For
Treats you well, makes romantic gestures like mix-tapes and flowers. Makes you cringe, basically.


Pathologically Anti-Establishment Guy
A sort of hybrid of the Chakra Con and the Kierketaard, this guy has no moral compass of his own, so he's just down on everything. People who succeed are sell-outs, people who like to dress nicely are materialistic but people who want to drink sailboats in the park are a-ok. This is the guy who hates every paper in town but would bend over backwards for some column inches in it. At first it seems cool that he hates everything you hate, but then you realize he just hates himself and doesn't want to see anyone happy. Toxic. Possibly the easiest to dump.