I have spent the better part of my life in a battle with my body. It's been the enemy I've either felt the need to conquer or surrender to. I think a lot of people feel that way. For myself it started from as far back as I can remember, you see I grew up in a house with two chain smokers, so I was always short of breath. I was picked for every sports team last because I couldn't run very fast or far, my lungs would feel like they were tearing to shreds inside my chest while the other kids seemed to just fly right past. I pretty much gave up on any sort of sporting activity and lethargy set in.
The enemy then was the second hand smoke that was eating away at my lungs and making my clothes smell really bad. I guess I'm still mad about that! I just read today that second hand smoke inhalation by pre-menopausal women leads to a twice as high risk of osteoporosis and lowers bone density.
naturally I went through the typical girl phobia of being overweight no matter how thin I was. I felt chubby when I clearly wasn't and only felt thin enough when I was seriously underweight. I do however have edema in my legs which makes them swell and look sausagey if I don't elevate them or wear compression stockings (which in this heat is unbearable). My body was the enemy then because I couldn't wear whatever I wanted without being self conscious. I haven't worn shorts or summer skirts/dresses in more then 10 years and I'm not even 30.....quite yet. My legs were always tired and heavy.
Now that I've been practicing yoga for a few Months I'm starting to make friends with the enemy. It's an amazing feeling when your body does some kind of crazy contortion that takes strength of mind as well as body, and a shitload of flexibility. For me a serious achievement has been feeling my lungs capacity really expand. The legs still give me grief, but in general they don't feel as heavy as usual and the swelling is not as bad.
What I've learned is that it's not the body that is the enemy, it's the mind! You can't blame it on societal beauty requirements because the problem is a weak mind that is willing to absorb it all and believe that their physical being is their self worth. Honestly, when you're in a hot room sweating your ass literally off (he he) and you're standing on one leg with while holding the other with one hand while stretching it up and out behind you, well, you just respect your body more.
Now that there is no battle to fight and I've matured enough to realize that it is how you feel and not necessarily how you look I've found some peace of mind. If this is a glimpse into my 30's, bring 'em on!
2 comments:
That's fucking awesome, V. What an excellent (self-) realization. I think the 30's is about unlearning all the crap that was shovelled into our brains most of our impressionable lives. This year when I turned 33 I had a similar realization that had to do with the mind, that I posted on my art blog with a drawing of me smoking a fat cubano: most stuff we concern ourselves with is pointless. That includes what we think others will think of us. I love the line in Neil Young's song "Old Man", where he says "doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you." Right on! Even the ones we love and adore, it isn't what they think of us that even matters -- it's the connection, and the love we feel for them. That's the crux, V, love. With love for ourselves, we don't consider our bodies (or minds) or any part of ourselves an enemy.
Thanks for the insperation on learning more about mind + body!
Sometimes I take life, myself so seriously and last night at yoga I learned how to lighten up! I'm not sure if it was the teacher, the jocko next to me doing crunches before class began (insert eye roll), or just me, but I learned that if it's even slightly funny laughing is appropriate...and you don't have to be rich, skinny, or with someone else to laugh! It's damn hard to be your own enemy when you're laughing at your own jokes.
Thanks for being such a great friend and for understanding my rambeling!
Post a Comment